After reading blog after blog about love this week I was tempted to write an antithesis to all the mush. One blog was so full of what I thought was gushy, mushy baloney had I encountered the blogger on the day of reading it, I would have actually picked a fight. But, I'm glad things didn't happen that way. I managed to wait out my judgement, my cynicism and derisive nature until I was almost asleep the next night when it hit me.
In just a couple of the blog's sentences, the writer assumed something that I didn't think at first could be possible: you can look past the person you're in love with and see them as just another human being or friend. I thought it was not possible if the feelings of love are still intact, especially if something has gone wrong in the relationship. I was planning to track down the blogger and give him a piece of my mind.
An easy fall to sleep was most deserving after a long day on Tuesday but not before a bolt from my subconscious shocked me upright. Yes, I was to be damned because the blogger was right! I've lived the rest of the week quietly assuaging my shame and here's why:
Last week marked twenty years of a relationship with my husband; good years, bad years and now it seems years I can't remember because they flew by so very quickly. But I can unequivocally state that I am still with my husband after the bad times because of my ability to look at him and see him as a friend, a man and fellow human being. In doing so, I can remove my hurt feelings, disappointment or anger from the viewpoint. Whenever I set aside my ego to help my friend deal with an issue, we both win.
My spouse is not my caregiver nor provider, unless I fall to injury or sickness. I am not his legacy factory here to make sure his namesake is carried forward to the next generations. He is my confidant, my best friend, my lover and life partner. I do not believe in absolutes of love and think that there are many things that have and will cause our relationship to change. We deal with those influences as they come up.
After twenty years, one thing is definite: our relationship has changed as we have gone through life's changes. We are two individuals that choose each other again every day, year after year. Yes, there are days I look at him and think, "am I sure?" I'm sure today and that's all that matters.
What is amazing about what we have together is that he feels and reacts the same way regarding the core aspects of our relationship. Neither of us are perfect. We have both gotten things wrong as we go through life. We have similarities and differences that we have learned to use to our mutual advantage. We can have whole conversations with a single glance at each other. Oh, and well, it's not ever to be taken for granted that great sex can facilitate great communication and understanding. Thank you, endorphins.
So, for what appeared at first glance as another sickly sweet blog about love turned out to provide a better understanding of my own love. I'm a little dismayed I didn't figure it out for myself but that's just my ego talking. So what is your spouse to you? A helpmate or a hindrance? A friend or just another lover? A partner or a pin number to a bank account? I hope you have in your spouse exactly what you want because life is too damned short for anything else.
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