Welcome the Storm

   Brutal is not the exact, correct word to describe the wind yesterday in West Texas, but it was. It continued to howl past midnight because it blew in through my windows, across my pillow and formed a tornado in my dreams. 
   Everywhere I turned, in the building made of glass, I could see the tornado approaching. Frantic, there was no way out as I considered digging through the stone floor with my nails. Thinking if I turned around one more time, I could find a solution, a hand grabbed me.  Your long fingers encircled my wrist and I screamed "no." You pulled me through a door and shut the heavy steel to hide the storm. Quietly I said again, "no."
   "The storm is coming," you insisted while burning their meaning into my eyes with your own. With my wrists bound by your hands, I touched your ear with my lips. A roar in my ears was deafening, but I whispered, "I know this music. This is my dance."  You released me and I ran for the door to open it just in time.
   The storm still blows. Blue sky and sunshine are the lies. Come dance with me.

Yet Another Epiphany

After reading blog after blog about love this week I was tempted to write an antithesis to all the mush. One blog was so full of what I thought was gushy, mushy baloney had I encountered the blogger on the day of reading it, I would have actually picked a fight. But, I'm glad things didn't happen that way. I managed to wait out my judgement, my cynicism and derisive nature until I was almost asleep the next night when it hit me.

In just a couple of the blog's sentences, the writer assumed something that I didn't think at first could be possible: you can look past the person you're in love with and see them as just another human being or friend. I thought it was not possible if the feelings of love are still intact, especially if something has gone wrong in the relationship. I was planning to track down the blogger and give him a piece of my mind. 

An easy fall to sleep was most deserving after a long day on Tuesday but not before a bolt from my subconscious shocked me upright. Yes, I was to be damned because the blogger was right! I've lived the rest of the week quietly assuaging my shame and here's why:

Last week marked twenty years of a relationship with my husband; good years, bad years and now it seems years I can't remember because they flew by so very quickly. But I can unequivocally state that I am still with my husband after the bad times because of my ability to look at him and see him as a friend, a man and fellow human being. In doing so, I can remove my hurt feelings, disappointment or anger from the viewpoint. Whenever I set aside my ego to help my friend deal with an issue, we both win.  

My spouse is not my caregiver nor provider, unless I fall to injury or sickness. I am not his legacy factory here to make sure his namesake is carried forward to the next generations. He is my confidant, my best friend, my lover and life partner. I do not believe in absolutes of love and think that there are many things that have and will cause our relationship to change. We deal with those influences as they come up. 

After twenty years, one thing is definite: our relationship has changed as we have gone through life's changes. We are two individuals that choose each other again every day, year after year. Yes, there are days I look at him and think, "am I sure?" I'm sure today and that's all that matters. 

What is amazing about what we have together is that he feels and reacts the same way regarding the core aspects of our relationship. Neither of us are perfect. We have both gotten things wrong as we go through life. We have similarities and differences that we have learned to use to our mutual advantage. We can have whole conversations with a single glance at each other. Oh, and well, it's not ever to be taken for granted that great sex can facilitate great communication and understanding. Thank you, endorphins.

So, for what appeared at first glance as another sickly sweet blog about love turned out to provide a better understanding of my own love. I'm a little dismayed I didn't figure it out for myself but that's just my ego talking. So what is your spouse to you?  A helpmate or a hindrance? A friend or just another lover? A partner or a pin number to a bank account? I hope you have in your spouse exactly what you want because life is too damned short for anything else.

Today's Dance

Waking to the sound of rain is the perfect start of any day. Many disagree with me, even those that spend most of their time indoors. I love the rain no matter my plans and more especially if I am to be outdoors. An additional challenge to overcome is not automatic ruination of the day.

I have a plaque on a file drawer in my office. It says, "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass... It's about learning to dance in the rain." It greeted me this morning as a reminder and a promise. 

I'm not going to wait for anyone to accept, deny or break me. I will make it though the storm of the hour, day or week by learning and taking the problem in stride like a dance. I love learning so why would I wait for a rescue, a directive or a confrontation. None of those are my game. I'm straightforward, insistent and real. Dancing is celebratory and I took every step with determination and pride today. I could hear music get louder as the solution materialized and the crescendo was the smile on my face of a job well done.

Did it really rain today?

No, but there was a storm. And, I danced.   

I danced with my husband, son, co-workers and friends. I lived the day to what I could make it, soaked with raindrops, stumbling over my feet and moving to the beat of my own music. Yes, that's what life is suppose to be every day.

In Lak'ech Ala K'in

In lak'ech ala k'in is Mayan for "I am another yourself," meaning "I am you." If information on the web is correct, it was used as a greeting at one time. I recently learned more about this by experiencing it, in one of those surprising ah-ha moments of life.

Everyone has people in their lives that give them joy, hurt or disappointment. 2010 was a year full of joy derived from a very specific, yet surprising, person. Their happiness, success and days of laughter were my own. The new year brought a new and different experience with this person, sadness.

As my friend struggles with sadness, I struggle to find perspective. My heart is exceptionally heavy. I miss my friend's smile, calming voice and belly laughter. I worry for their struggle and plans to overcome their sadness. I am frightened of the very strong in lak'ech ala k'in connection with my friend.

The year's start in darkness is not the end but perhaps the beginning of learning more of this connection. Perhaps I have this connection with others and this one was just the first of many. 2011 should be a very good year if I am willing to be open to those possibilities and greet more people with "in lak'ech ala k'in."